This Becoming

 What am I to do with all of this hellfire beneath my skin, the anger in my bones?  Anger has been the emotion I struggle to process, feel, and accept out of every other emotion I experience. I feel ashamed when I get angry, like it's sinful to be upset and to express it.  I have learned how to bottle it up until it justifiably explodes, and then, the gloves are off.  I have learned how to be passive, to "turn the other cheek",  to apologize for my existence at the expense of everyone else's comfort. My anger is repressed and comes out in passive ways because I am scared to sit with her.  I am scared to feel the extent of grief that is hiding behind her. The wall is easier to maintain, or, at least, it was.  The flames are swallowing me whole, the poison spreading. Jaded bitterness has seeped into my soul and the work it is taking to heal this, is turning into a vicious cycle. I get angry that I am jaded, that I am bitter, I get frustrated but ultimat...

It has been over a year since I last logged into this account to vent. I wonder what might have been if I were to be consistent with this. Since I last wrote, I have gone through a massive transformation.  I have become a mother to the sweetest and happiest little boy.  Moreso than ever before, my desire for mental stability is palpable.  It is no longer just about me. I am responsible for leading and guiding this little soul.  How can I teach him to process emotions if I, myself cannot?  How can I show him the goodness in life if I, myself, cannot see it? Postpartum has proved to be a storm to be ridden and I am sinking. I tried to be ahead of the game.  I made myself believe that what little work I had done would be enough.  But, I am learning, I only scratched the surface.  It's as if the volume has been cranked up on the mental struggles I was already going through and it is unbearable. With the added layer of new responsibilities and the disr...