Episode 4


It has been over a year since I last logged into this account to vent. I wonder what might have been if I were to be consistent with this.

Since I last wrote, I have gone through a massive transformation. 
I have become a mother to the sweetest and happiest little boy. 

Moreso than ever before, my desire for mental stability is palpable. 
It is no longer just about me.
I am responsible for leading and guiding this little soul. 
How can I teach him to process emotions if I, myself cannot? 
How can I show him the goodness in life if I, myself, cannot see it?

Postpartum has proved to be a storm to be ridden and I am sinking. I tried to be ahead of the game. 
I made myself believe that what little work I had done would be enough. 
But, I am learning, I only scratched the surface. 
It's as if the volume has been cranked up on the mental struggles I was already going through and it is unbearable. With the added layer of new responsibilities and the disruption of routine, I have been physically crawling out of my skin, gasping for air. 

I have a therapy appointment for this Thursday and I am holding onto the hope of what peace it might bring. John pointed out the negative perspective I have had towards the things I tried to combat the PPD with. I do think if I had not done any prep work, I might not be here. He pointed out that I did the trouble shooting. I tried different methods for coping, and, ultimately, it is in my brain. 

I forget too often just how much work  I have done for my mental health and how long I have known that there is something under the surface working against me. I see now that the exhaustion I am feeling is from having put in the work and troubleshooting  down to this point.

Having this realization has reignited my passion about mental health and there is a calling to go back to it. A call back to diving head first into mental health education, sharing my story and the methods I use daily to cope with life. 

I don't want to bleed all of my hurts out but rather show what it means to know you have an imbalance and the work that it takes if you truly crave a healthy mind. 
The biggest hurdle one must face when taking this task on is really knowing oneself.


I will leave that there as I now have a topic for my next post: Know Thyself

Til next time,

B.





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