Episode 7

Why is it that the people who inflict the most damage, are almost always the loudest about the consequences of their actions?

Me personally? I am over it.

My parents got married because they had nothing better to do and then played house under my grandmas roof. It was great. Neither were able to grow and heal from their childhood so they took that out on their beautiful creations.

I refuse to spend anymore time attempting to psychoanalyze their behavior or try to figure out what made them the way they are. 

What I can analyze is the effect they had on me, my life, and my current mental state.

I was parentified at a young age and treated as my mothers confidant before I was even fully cognizant of the topics she was discussing with me. My parents emotional immaturity led to us being in and out of high control religion, parental advice being followed by authoritarian psychologists, and being abandoned at the age they were abandoned or were traumatized by. All this while living with my grandma who was most likely mentally ill and deep within religious psychosis.

Childhood to me is a very brief window because I was expected to grow up too fast. I was expected to emotionally regulate people who could not regulate or handle themselves.

I was difficult. A problem. Has nothing to do with the fact neither of my parents knew what they were doing, neither one of them came from a healthy family so the delusion was real.

They found respect through conforming to high control religion and always enjoyed the “prodigal son” effect of leaving the church to be welcomed back after going wayward in sin.

They couldn’t keep the facade up and that led to substance abuses.

The alcohol abuse was there far before I was ever an aftereffect.

The opioid epidemic was not kind to my family.

 I watched my mother spiral while burning everything and everyone around her.

I watched my father go by the wayside and become someone I do not know.

And I stayed.

Out of respect to outdated traditions of respecting a person who doesn’t have to do anything to earn or keep respect. It’s the expectation to something never earned that strokes my need for justice.

I thought it was common knowledge that most children in my position have gone no contact. I have been asked several times why I haven't gone no contact.

I was trying to keep a narrative alive that was making my inner child feel safe. But it ultimately is doing the complete opposite.

I thought because it was common knowledge that I COULD have walked away but CHOSE not to, that those who were receiving a door back in would walk with humility and grace.

How silly of me to assume that their generation would be the one to not demand blind respect due to a title. They really thought they could go out, act a fool, and then come back and pick up their role again.

Which is wild because they operated and trained me to believe the world was black and white. You are either good or you are bad. No second chances. Once you are labeled difficult, that isn’t a call for them to grow in the ways they should in order to lead and nurture you. It is their excuse for being lazy and then wanting to be celebrated now that “we’re all out of there”.

Anyways.

My parents lived with my grandmother until they were able to get into a place (or were so desperate to abuse their substances without being monitored by my grandmother, who knows, that’s not my story). Once they were in that place, it was like my sister and I were basically on our own. Did they still try to keep up the facade? Sure.

Does it count if they’re high and drunk the whole time, being miserable, and making everyone else miserable too?

I don’t know what it is about me.. my defiance ?.. my rebellion ?..  or the backbone I am growing in spite of her ? but there is something in me that my mother hates. And she has always tried to squash it. Whether that be passive aggressive remarks or blowing up when she felt threatened, she sees and hates something.

I had to stop her from abusing my sister the same way she abused me as a child, and later my nephew. I will never forget standing up to her for my nephew. It was the first time she ever faced me, and it was the first time I saw how weak and small she was being allowed to behave.

This all really started blowing up as I was becoming a young adult. I remember getting talked to by my boyfriends parents at the time, which I admire so much looking back, about how the situation I was in was more than their son was equipped to handle.

If it wasn’t for the few people on the outside, who were either becoming aware because it was blatant at that point, or, that I confided in, I wouldn’t have realized how bad it was.

At that point, I realized we needed to get out but had no one to turn to.

All of our outer family was basically like “that sucks, figure it out” until they wanted to check in and receive the latest hit of gossip to share with everyone. The way our family spoke to us about my parents is why they still don’t have a close spot in my life. Why waste your breath talking to us? Why weren’t you there? You knew what was going on, you could have started coming around more, could have taken us out of the house for a few hours, could have called and prayed over the phone? Where were you? And why do you think you are owed a special spot in my life now?

“Those are your parents.”

Yeah, well, we were their children and that didn’t make a lick of difference.

“That’s your family.”

Only if they act like it.

 

Its all black and fuzzy but I confided in my “aunt” (second or third cousin twice removed lol)  about our situation and she didn’t miss a beat. She offered a space of safety and peace immediately. She didn’t try to have it all mapped out. She just knew it was most important that we get out of there.

It’s impossible to recollect the timeline of events.

My biggest regret is shielding my sister from the worst of my mother.

I should have let her bear witness so she wouldn’t have been so easily sucked back in.

 When I moved my sister out, my mother faced me a second time and slapped me across the face while spewing pure hatred. I was unable to react before my father smacked her to the ground.

Nothing too traumatic.

Once out of their house, I never really “settled” or allowed myself to heal. I knew me and my sister were imposing on someone who was not responsible for us in any way, shape, or form.

I made sure I was working and I quickly got my first car to be less of a burden. The first chance I got, I moved out and started hopping around. The beginning of the upward before a long and dark spiral.

Out of my need for survival, I created a life that looks so far from the one I would have liked for my life.

Out of my need for love, I connected to so many soul sucking vampires that played their part in the circus that has become my life.

Mental issues have plagued me my entire life and is it a wonder why?

I have put in more work into my mental health within a decade than most have in their entire lives. Deconstructing from a high control religion and dysfunctional family dynamic, while just trying to survive and not turn out just like them.

However,

Because I allowed people a place at the table too quickly, simply because they needed to get to Step #10, they walk around in my life like it’s all water under the bridge.

As if I am not contemplating putting a bullet in my head on the daily now that I have a child knowing I have that same blood in my veins and it will inevitably leak all over this precious innocent being who has entered existence.

I believe becoming a mother has fueled this rage. Because I see how young I was when they were getting frustrated with me and would pop me or slap me. 

I can’t fathom smacking my child because I am dysregulated.

What a disgusting and outdated concept.

 I would get spanked if I didn’t go to sleep fast enough.

Popped in the mouth if someone wasn't dysregulated.

Berated for things that weren’t my fault.

I was treated like a problem child, the black sheep.

And when I started doing well IN SPITE of everything they did and didn’t do, they were amazed and awestruck and then claimed me as their greatest masterpiece.

As if I am not still in pieces, trying to make sense of things.

Addicts are generally the most selfish individuals and I don’t think going to rehab makes it any better. Nor does learning all the psychology in the world. It will forever be about how horrible they had it and how they turned to a substance that allowed them to act like the worst versions of themselves, burn their families apart, put their lives and the lives of others at risk of death, and we are supposed to have sympathy.

 Because they lived life like the rest of us and made the choice to go down that road.

Accountability is next to impossible with an overgrown ego.

Accountability is hard, and it’s a tough pill to swallow that many refuse to put into practice while posting quotes about it.

“You don’t know what it was like for me.”

Yeah, well, neither do you because you were faded for most of it.

 

I am done playing this little facade that has been going on.

I am done setting up my inner child for the constant disappointment of someone who is always going to expect what they are incapable of giving.

I am going to “let it go” now and leave it all in the past.