Episode 5

 What am I to do with all of this hellfire beneath my skin, the anger in my bones? 

Anger has been the emotion I struggle to process, feel, and accept out of every other emotion I experience.

I feel ashamed when I get angry, like it's sinful to be upset and to express it. 

I have learned how to bottle it up until it justifiably explodes, and then, the gloves are off. I have learned how to be passive, to "turn the other cheek",  to apologize for my existence at the expense of everyone else's comfort.

My anger is repressed and comes out in passive ways because I am scared to sit with her. I am scared to feel the extent of grief that is hiding behind her. The wall is easier to maintain, or, at least, it was. 

The flames are swallowing me whole, the poison spreading. Jaded bitterness has seeped into my soul and the work it is taking to heal this, is turning into a vicious cycle. I get angry that I am jaded, that I am bitter, I get frustrated but ultimately cannot change anything. I cannot change how life played out for me and my family and I cannot change how the actions of the most important people in my life, continue to break my heart to this day. 

I have read that anger is healthy, protective, that it sheds light on the injustice in your life. My anger is trying to show me pieces of myself that I need to give love and attention to and I am on the struggle bus with that. Trying to swerve this emotion has created the pit of hell I now have the luxury of working through. 

I was going to attempt "googling" anger management techniques and pretend to be using them but I don't have the energy. I do not believe my anger is something that needs to be managed so much as it needs me to honestly sit down with it and experience it. Listen to the rage and guttural screams. Allow it to be. Allow it to go. It is in the running that we do the most damage. Like an animal caught on a wire, jerking and flailing it's body only to eventually cause it's own demise.