Episode 6

 SHADOW JOURNAL PROMPT #25

"What was one time you can remember feeling wronged as a child? How did you react? How has this affected you in adulthood?"

I can most clearly recall a bad fight my parents were having when I was young. 

It was very scary. It plays back like the footage they show of war films with chaotic camera pans and shouting. 

I went into my grandmas room and I hugged her, crying, telling her I was scared.
She told me, "All you can do is pray."

So I got down on my knees in the middle of her floor, facing her mirrored closet door, and starting praying out loud. 

The door slams open, I look up to see my mother standing in the door way with this darkness clouding her expression. 
"And what do you think YOU'RE doing?!!" 

I am jerked up from behind before I can process what is happening. 

My bottom is slammed onto the dining room table and there is a finger in my face 
"this is your fault...don't act like you are innocent.. don't you see-" 

**this is the first moment I can clearly recall dissociating. I tuned her shouting and anger out to try to process what was happening and how to fix it. I was reeling trying to figure out what I had done to cause this. I never could and still cannot figure out my role in their fight that night.

As an adult, I am constantly scared of being ripped off of the floor. I am waiting for the Kool-Aid man to bust through the door, the anvil to fall on my head. I live with an unhealthy fear of being the reason all of the bad things happen to the ones I love. That I am somehow personally responsible when life happens to everyone else. I am always calculating, obsessing, reeling, at all times, to ensure I am leaving no blind spots.

Takeaways: 

I honestly just googled 'Shadow Journal Prompts" in attempts of working through some of my mess. When I randomly chose this prompt, (thank you, Google for picking a number for me), I was a little disheartened. I couldn't think of anything at first and almost gave up. Then I realized I was trying to "just get it done". So I really sat with it. Didn't allow myself the luxury of distracting or "looking for ideas". And voila. This plays out in my head. At first I turned a nose to it. "No, I don't think that's what we are looking for here." But the more I kept asking the question, the more clear this scene became, and my answer to the final question blew my mind and heart wide open.

I was doing better mentally when I was my therapist. When I was seeking the knowledge, seeking the tools, sitting with myself daily, and putting it all into work. It was not perfect and that was okay. Somewhere along the way I became stagnant. Tired. Burnt out of trying to "fix me".

I forget I am not trying to fix myself but to live with myself. I forget that I am not a problem to be solved, that if I try this new, healing thing, I too can be perfect just like everyone else....

damn. that mental illness be strong in this bloodline.

Welp. Thats all.

Until next time, imaginary audience.

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