Episode 2.

How much have I grown?
Because I cannot see it..

  1. I no longer maintain shallow relationships or connections.
  2. I no longer feel the need to run away from myself. I can sit with her most days and I scream at her on others.
  3. I no longer engage in self harming behavior; I am aware of the harm I do to my body in real time and work to curb those behaviors.
  4. My substance abuse is much more controlled.
  5. I have a job that allows me to have weekends and holidays off. I can take days off without being bullied about it.
  6. I have a partner who listens to me, understands me, loves me, makes time for me, and who is growing along side me.
  7. I have enough money to pay my bills and survive the month with little treaties.
  8. I have a decent relationship with my parents.
  9. I am active in my life; I reach out to friends and family when they cross my mind.
  10. I am blessed with a good relationship with my partners family.
  11. I am artistic, creative, imaginative, magical and have made space for that part of myself.
  12. I am a work in progress always but I have overcome mountains to be where I am right now.
This list was made as anxiety began creeping in, getting me in a tizzy over "not being where I am supposed to be at".  I immediately retorted with " Wait uh minute!...I have come so far!" I am no longer using the coping methods and flawed beliefs I had been surviving with. I am now able to focus on my health whereas before, I didn't have the time to with everything else I was living through and working through.

I am honored to follow the Bethany that got me where I am today. She put in the blood, sweat, and endless tears to rewrite her belief system on her own. She fought suicidal ideations on the daily amidst a life that might have driven anyone else off the cliff. Many days spent studying self help books, psychology books, doing inner work, meditating, praying,  all while still navigating the chaotic life we were maintaining. 

It makes sense why I feel as though nothing is happening in my life when every single day was a feat to survive. Peace is uncomfortable when chaos is all I have known. I have been getting myself into a hurried state, trying to make up for "lost time" when in reality that time was being used to save me. I know with a certainty if that woman hadn't gone to war for me, I would not be here. I did not want to be here.

Now, I have a life worth waking up to and working for. I have sincere friendships that I am learning how to navigate. I have familial connections that uplift and support me when I am low. 
There is always room for growth but don't miss the harvest because you're too busy planning the next crop. 

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