Episode 3.

 And then, it was August.....

I am not going to attempt spitting some pseudo spiritual wisdom for myself right now, things have been getting increasingly more difficult in my mental space and I have been handling it the best I can.

While getting into therapy is the goal, the main goal, it is a challenging task to take on and I wish more people were open with that fact. 

The truth of the matter is, we are very much still in the cave man days in terms of our knowledge of mental health and understanding the importance of it in societies. For context lets look at a mini timeline of mental health in America:

• 1840- Dorthea Dix begins her work at dismantling the corruption in "insane" asylums. People in asylums were treated barbarically; no light, no heat, often chained, and their methods of treatment were sadistic. A push for state hospitals ensues.
• 1880- People are shocked that the state hospitals are overcrowded with people as well as misperceptions about mental health; people are looking for a "cure" to mental illness.
•  Early 1900's -Americans turn to eugenics to "breed out" mental illness; states begin to mandate sterilization and more than 65,000 mentally ill people are sterilized. Most eugenics stop after Nazi crimes are exposed.
• 1940s- Truman signs the National Mental Health Act in 1946 as the American government recognizes the need to understand mental health better. By 1949 they launch a national institute to study the mind, brain, and behavior.
• 1960s- The US begins to shift away from institutionalization; A network of community based mental health services begin operating but issues of underfunding, poor training, high staff burn out, lack of housing, food, and job training support ensue.
• 1980s a growing awareness that 1/3 of homeless people have serious mental illnesses, schizophrenia in particular.

While we are doing much better at spreading mental health awareness, our systems are decades behind the movement. We have this push for mental health awareness without a push for funding for communities who are without proper resources or communities who are overwhelmed with the need and lack of resources to give:

• More than 60% of counties in the US do not have a psychiatrist. 
• Over 5.5 million adults are uninsured and cannot obtain therapy.
• At least 20% of people with a mental illness have a co-occurring substance use disorder. For people with schizophrenia, the number may be as high as 50%.

The internet and social media platforms have helped mass spread this information which has been a blessing but is it a blessing to know that there is a light beyond your grasp due to your circumstance?  Just food for thought. I am obviously aware of the good that has come from the mass spreading of information and it makes me feel relieved to know that I am not alone struggling with certain ailments. I only want to shed light on the subject because it is impacting me and my journey to get into therapy.

Most therapists are impacted in Kern County and the number of offices that aren't accepting insurance seems to be growing. Not to mention the large number of Christian based therapists. Which might be nice for some, but, as someone trying to heal from religious trauma, it blows. I am also a part of the percentage of individuals who have fallen into substance abuse in attempt to self medicate the mental illness. 

During my last attempt at therapy, I got as far as the consulting call and was immediately discouraged when the therapist told me that due to my substance abuse I would not be able to get a diagnosis until I have two years minimum sobriety and even then, it will be difficult. There was no discussion of substance abuse counseling or resources given. It was basically like "Yeah, so, as soon as you get two years clean, then we'll  maybe talk." 

Since then, I have been trying to stop by myself which is almost as impossible as it sounds. I am noticing that the symptoms I have been attempting to self medicate are getting worse and resistant to the self medication. I have meltdowns almost daily and it is taking a toll on my marriage, my relationships, and my psyche. It is difficult typing this as I am processing as I go and I will be frank, the desire to not be is at the highest it has ever been. I feel like a burden to my husband and to the people in my life I am isolating from. 

This is the part of mental health I feel no one else is giving a voice to and I felt the need to share my tiny snippet on the matter. I will continue to do the best that I can with what I have and pray that it is enough.